Grow Stronger From Dark Situations!

In the last post, we started talking about how we can turn bad experiences around, and turn them into positive experiences we can learn from to improve our lives. So now, let’s get more into the ‘how’ to put these pieces together!

We all have rough things happen to us from time to time – this is just one of those truths we have to accept. Yet, while it’s true we can’t always tell what’s coming just around the corner, it’s very possible to learn from an experience in a way that helps us grow and improve. And on this page I’ll show you how!

4 Steps To Turn Dark Situations Into Good Experiences!

Step 1 – Accept

Before we can learn from something, we have to accept things as they are.

We all have that powerful tendency and desire to change things when we don’t feel we were treated fairly, this is something everyone experiences at some point.

However, this can be a problem if we refuse to accept things as they are or try to deny something that’s true. If we get caught up in that feeling of “I have to change things” instead of taking events as they are, a mind-set of ‘who or what can I change’ can create more problems than it solves. I’m a great fan of self-improvement, and believe it is one of the best things we can all do, but we also have to accept that there are things outside of our control that we simply can’t change.

If you’ve been spending your time and energy trying to change someone else for example, it might be better to stop and realize that fighting like this is not the best thing to do. Does that sound familiar? If you’ve been battling with the uphill struggle to change other people, it may have meant a lot of wasted energy, whereas on the other hand…

Once you accept your world as it is (and everyone in it) and stop fighting external things you can’t control, you can then really start to improve your situation by focusing on the things that you can control.

Step 2 – Reflect

A question that I get asked a lot is – ‘how do I look at …………… in a more positive way? How should I look at these situations in a way that doesn’t feel that bad?’ Well, everyone has dark and sad things happen in their lives, whether it’s a breakup or a separation, a loss and so on. In my experience, the people who recover quickly are those who find something positive to take out of it. It might sound like an old cliché to say that everything can have a positive lesson – but as I help and talk to more and more people, the more I find this to be true!

Everything that happens can be looked at as a learning experience. When you’re next thinking about anything that has happened in your life that just didn’t go to plan – think about what you learnt from the experience as a whole. Understand that even though part of your experience may not be what you wanted, you can still learn from it so in the future you don’t make similar mistakes or get into the same counterproductive situations.

Always ask yourself – can I think of any mistake that I won’t repeat in the future, having gone through and learnt from this experience? Or have you discovered there is still something you need to learn about so you will keep improving as you move forward?

It’s a very useful skill to look at what you have learnt from a situation, and realize that more times than not, what you can take from it is worth the price you paid to get the lesson.

You can still take a great amount of relief and knowledge in thinking about how you have come through as a better, stronger person – because you will have learnt something from it.

In the future, make sure you remember these lessons so you don’t make the same mistakes down the road. Write these things down in a journal or notebook if you need to – this way you can review them to remind yourself of them later.

Step 3 – Reframe

This is another important step that a lot of people don’t know about, so it’s something I’m going to cover in much more detail in the Inner Circle soon. The idea of reframing is to completely change how you look at something – to put an event in a completely different light so it’s much easier to deal with.

I’ll tell you about one great re-framing technique just now that can help you. It’s based on the idea of future projection – to imagine your life in the future and how things would be if you don’t change something immediately. For example you could ask yourself – “if I keep thinking like this, what will my life be like in 5 years time?” – by really thinking about the long term consequences of your actions, this is often all it takes to spur you in a new, more positive direction.

Since a lot of the advice I’ve given to people recently has been to do with breakups and getting partners back, one example of how to use this technique would be to imagine you’re going to connect with your ex (or meet someone new and amazing!) in three months from today. If you think about that situation in the future, and you’re not trying to improve your own life right now – you’re doing a disservice to this future meeting by not keeping on working to being the best you can be! This type of thinking will often help give you motivation when you need it.

Step 4 – Take Action!

If you’ve found a way to do all of the above steps well, this is often the most exciting part, because you can now take action! Think about what you have figured out in step 2 and make the conscious decision to move forward with a plan. Some things you could start doing might be:

    Deciding to not wait around for others while you progress with your goals in life,
  • Realizing that you are in control of your own thoughts, and to remember that at all times – you control your own world and can improve it whenever you decide to take action,
  • Stating to yourself that you need to have the discipline to take control, or you won’t get things done as fast as you want them done, etc.

So there you go! 4 simple steps to learn from something that may have been difficult at the time, but can still give a great opportunity for you to learn. Moving on after rough times needs to happen, so do it knowing that you have grown and that in the future you won’t be falling for similar traps!

If you have any thoughts you’d like to add, feel free to leave a comment below 🙂

Talk soon,
Amber

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How To Take Power From Dark Times

It’s already the start of April… and this year has already been an interesting one – it’s only 4 months in, but it’s already 1/4 way through the year. Doesn’t the way you phrase things make a huge difference to how they seem? Or a more accurate way would be to say – doesn’t the way we look at things make a huge difference to how they feel?

Regain Control Of Anything

Having spent the end of last year and the early part of this year finishing my book and helping people who are struggling with their own relationships, I was finding more and more that people can be greatly helped by re-framing how they look at their situation. By just flipping something from a ‘glass half empty’ to a ‘glass half full’ mind-set, not only can you make a seemingly overwhelming situation much more manageable – you can also remind yourself that it’s always possible to control your own life and the results you get back. It’s great to get a good understanding of your own results – because this can mean that no matter where you think you are right now, your own life can always be improved, and you are always in control.

4 Steps To Learn From Anything

I’ve spent quite a bit of time recently trying to think how we can best learn from sad events – how can you re-frame something that can be so sad or even as devastating as a breakup, or any other negative experience. When it doesn’t feel fair, it can be difficult to see the light at all, let alone feel compelled to keep working to move in that positive direction. I’d like to tell you my own way of dealing with negative events, and suggest that the best thing we can do to improve our own lives is to accept – reflect – reframe – and take action!

In my next post I’ll be going over what I mean by these points. This information has already put me back in the driver’s seat for a number of situations this year, and I’m sure it will help you out greatly too!

It’s good to be back, and talk soon!
Amber

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Immature Relationship – Dating A ‘Child’

If you’ve ever felt ‘stuck’ in an immature relationship, you’ll know just how frustrating this can be. With nothing getting done between you, or not feeling like you’re moving forward with anything – does this sound familiar? If it does, chances are that you or your partner could have been playing the role of the ‘child’ archetype in the relationship.

We started looking at archetypes a few weeks ago, starting with the parent group. So now, lets go to the opposite end of the spectrum – with the child! This group is a toughy, because being around a child-like person when they’re in a good mood can be very fun – but being around them if they’re in a bad mood can be a nightmare.

It’s All Childs Play!

The child archetype, as you would probably expect, is more happy and energetic than any other group. They can be described as being very ‘in touch’ with their inner child and are always ready to have fun in almost any situation.

But, there’s also the flip-side of this because, like any child, these people often try to run away from responsibility of any kind, and the pressures of making decisions. The main goal with the child is to be loved and protected by others, and they’ll modify their behaviour to get their needs met in any way possible.

What Are The Best Traits?

The best quality that people in the child group have, is that they often have a very natural, fun vibe about them, no matter what they’re doing. And since they’re often looking to have fun, these people are very good at cheering others up, even if that person is in a bad mood to begin with.

Also, this type of person can also be very persuasive. This trait maybe isn’t as obvious as their ‘good fun’ desire but when you think about it, it does make sense – they are very good at putting their own points across in an argument, often in search of feeling appreciated (or even to be forgiven if they have done something wrong) which means they don’t always seek out arguments, but can do well in situations where they do come up.

Negative Traits Of ‘The Child’

Being indecisive is the child archetypes main flaw – they just don’t like to make decisions. As you’d expect, this can create a lot of tough situations in a relationship. There are a lot of reasons why people might be indecisive, but in this case it’s often linked back to responsibility – if someone never makes a decision about something, they can never be held accountable if it doesn’t pan out the way it should. Again they can be spared from losing any love and approval from others because whatever happened wasn’t their fault was is? Someone else “made” the decision.

They are also quite good at being persuasive. Yes, I know this was also listed as a positive trait, but this is one of those double edged swords. Being persuasive can be a good thing, it can mean that they come across very clearly and can show other people where and how they’re right in their thinking, but it can also be used negatively – in a means to manipulate other people. They also often have an overwhelming desire to be loved, protected and even forgiven by others, making an honest relationship hard to maintain.

What You Should Expect From ‘The Child’

Positives:

  • Always looking to have fun and have a generally optimistic vibe about them
  • Are good at cheering other people up, even if they’re in a bad mood to start with
  • Good at putting their points across in an argument – can make many good cases for their beliefs

Negatives:

  • Poor decision making abilities, never like to be in the wrong for anything
  • Have a desire to be loved, forgiven, cared for and protected by others (not a simple task!)
  • Can be manipulative in cases where they feel they are losing affection
  • Downward cycles of being insecure, arrogant, needy and inconsiderate are common and very difficult to get out of

What To To Be Aware Of If YOU Are Dating ‘A Child’:

  • Don’t like to make decisions and will often look to you for advice and which option to choose
  • They can get stuck in a cycle of needing more and more attention from you
  • Can find it difficult to trust you, and can often be jealous or over protective of you and your time

What ‘A Child’ Could Do To Improve Their Relationships:

  • Notice when manipulation is becoming part of an argument, and eliminate this behaviour when necessary
  • Take up a new hobby, and start doing other things to help them to mature and take on responsibility
  • Realise that making decisions is an important part of life and relationships, whether the outcome is good or bad, learning to make more choices is always a good thing
  • If they feel like they’re starting to use other people unethically, take note of this and take action to fix things with that person
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